Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends

As many times a day as necessary…..

 

Despite currently being in a very good place mentally, emotionally, and physically, as I sit and reflect upon the news of yesterday, I feel the rising panic in my body.  I sense the fear threatening to take over.

I recognize it for what it is – a warning from my body – “This is not right.  This is not safe. Flee from this.” I try not to let the warning consume me and acknowledge the message. “I know. I see it.”

I take a deep breath and close the app. That’s enough news for today. Boundaries.

I’m here, now.

I’m safe. 

What is the next right step for me to take in this moment?

💓💓💓

These times are overwhelming. Many deep, core-level things are coming into light for a lot of people.  People feel betrayed and afraid. They are angry and grieving. They feel helpless and hopeless.

I remember when I first began deconstructing my beliefs and found inconsistencies, errors, and lies. I remember the desperation and the desire for answers.

If this is the space you currently find yourself in, here are some books that I found to be incredibly helpful resources along my journey.  Check them out if you’re struggling. 

You’re not alone.  A lot of people have gone through this before you.  Allow yourself to learn from them.  They can help you.

Books: (with links for Thriftbooks – support them instead of Amazon!)

1.       The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Miguel Ruiz - The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide... book by Miguel Ruiz

2.       How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self - How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, an...

3.       Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive: And the Truth that Sets Us Free by Jonathan Walton - Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive:... book by Jonathan Walton

4.       The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison Barr - The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How... book by Beth Allison Barr

5.       The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body and in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind,... book by Bessel A. van der Kolk

Scattering Seeds

        I like to think that I share a lot because:

•    I want to help others avoid suffering in ways that I have.
•    I want others to know that they are not alone.
•    I want people to find hope and solutions that they might not have considered.
•    I want people to find the freedom and peace that I dreamed of finding for so long and have now finally found.
•    My soul cries out, “taste and see that Love is good…. And that the spirit of Love is IN YOU” and I can't help but try to tell others. 

      The world lies and so many of us were sold a false version of Love.  There is no Fear in Love. There is no judgement.  There is just learning and growth and acceptance and reciprocal encouragement and mutual support.

 But, if I’m being totally honest, I also share selfishly at times, too.

• So I can avoid the triggering I feel in my body when people who are close to me say hateful things without realizing it.
• So I can point out the ways that my ego was right and theirs was wrong because it makes me feel superior and therefore safe.
• So I can avoid the fear that threatens to overtake me when I look around and feel as though entire communities are living in a different reality than I am, due to misinformation and our corrupt media conglomerates in this nation.
• So I can stop feeling so frustrated at the general apathy, close-mindedness, and unwillingness of people to consider other perspectives, different from their own, in order to investigate and honestly determine the best solutions for us as a nation, or for themselves as a human.

I don’t honestly know which this one is - a genuine desire to help others or a selfish desire for this madness to end.  

It puts people at risk.  Worse, it puts people I love at risk, even though they are LEGAL immigrants.  I believe that it is fundamentally immoral, illegal, and unconstitutional. None of which are small things.  

But honestly, emotionally, I am just so tired of people being so willing to pull the wool over their own eyes and disregard basic facts.  I am tired of the news, the politicians, the advertisers, the CEOs, and all the others lying to make it harder and harder to determine truthful fact from manipulative deceit. I am tired of the all-or-nothing thinking and the what-about-isms.  We are not toddlers.  Communication requires both a desire to hear and understand, as well as to talk and be heard, by ALL PARTIES involved.

This is one of those completely irritating immigration political points for me.  It’s exhausting and I don’t understand why people are not willing to hear or understand it, because, honestly, it seems really simple to me. 

Many of us would support an ethically-run immigration system wherein those immigrants who are granted temporary status have that status revoked if they are found guilty of having committed a crime.  We would support returning the 'rapists' and 'murderers' to their home countries and not granting them legal status in this country, if this were, in fact, rapists and murderers.

That is not what is happening here.

When it comes to politics and laws and how our government functions, one must be willing to read all of a thing, and to read between the lines, if one is going to consider it at all, because that is where changes are really occurring, that is where the boundaries are being pushed, and where the loopholes are being created.

First, please know, I am not going to argue this particular act or immigration as a whole.  I am done with that. If we disagree, we disagree.  If you have facts which might change my mind, please share them, but if they can't be proven or cited from reputable sources, then don't waste my time. I can read the act for myself with my own eyes.  I can read the amendments which have been added.  

And because I have, I will, also, provide a few seeds for you to also hopefully consider.  

No, I do not support the Laken-Riley Act and here is why:

There were things in this act that are extremely problematic, in my opinion.  

This act allows for mandatory detention of people simply based on “accusation and/or arrest”.  There is no difference provided in the treatment of the accused versus the guilty.  Additionally, it created several judicial review changes, all of which serve to strip all possibility of rectifying any wrongdoing and removing any outside oversight.  I personally want MORE ACCOUNTABILITY, not less.

The only course of action that an innocent immigrant has now that this has been passed, is to ask for the Dept of Homeland Security to check and see if they were designated correctly in their immigration category which allowed us to detain them.  Well, if their designation is “accused of a crime”, then guess what, Dept of Homeland Security can look and say, “yep, the designation is correct.  You were accused of a crime.” And that’s that.  That is the only recourse.  Any person can accuse an immigrant of a crime, and they can be confined without any recourse.

What happened to innocent until proven guilty?  You see, this is where the racism comes in -- some people assume that they are all guilty and want them all treated as such without any rights to due process or humane treatment.  

Some of us believe that doing that is the equivalent to treating an entire group of people differently simply based upon the color of their skin or the nation in which they were born, and we define that as racism, and, in this case, White Supremacy - believing that the white nationalities are better, safer, deserve to live here, whereas the others, well, they can "just go back to where they came from".  Right?  Gross.

You can read the internal memo which was sent out to employees and see exactly what they were concerned about.  I highlighted the parts that concern me.  Assuming control over immigrants for any reason they deem required, regardless of law, and ensuring that no one can stop them.

 Here’s an article that explains a little better than I do:

Legal expert says the bipartisan Laken Riley Act is unjust, wasteful and a Trojan horse : NPR

 

Here is the internal memorandum instructing employees about the new changes.  (I highlighted the parts I, personally, have a problem with.):

 https://www.justice.gov/eoir/media/1387731/dl?inline

Here is the actual Act and addendums where you can clearly see and read the verbiage that is being included/excluded, etc.

S.5 - 119th Congress (2025-2026): Laken Riley Act | Congress.gov | Library of Congress

It All Makes A Lot More Sense Now

 

Don’t Worry About Me

I used to go to church every Sunday morning, and Tuesday morning, and Wednesday evening.
I haven’t been there for years now.
Don’t worry about me.

I used to believe Jesus died for me.
I now believe Jesus was killed by worldly and religious leaders, for living a life of love and refusing to take power or control over others.
Don’t worry about me.

I used to believe I was called to sacrifice my life for others.
I now know that I deserve to be loved just as well as those others.
Don’t worry about me.

I used to feel fear every minute of every day, worrying if I was being perfect enough not to burn in hell for all of eternity when I died.

I no longer believe in eternal punishment for being an imperfect human and know that living with that belief WAS the hell scriptures were talking about.
Don’t worry about me.

I used to believe I was broken and worthless and in need of a savior.
I now know that the Spirit of God has been inside of me from the moment of my first breath, and I was never broken, only just learning how to connect with It, and growing in knowledge, because I am an imperfect human being with a conscious mind.
Don’t worry about me.

I used to believe a lot of the same things that you believe.

I don’t anymore.
Don’t worry about me.

I will, however, worry about you.  A lot.
Because I used to believe a lot of those same things you believe.
I don’t anymore.

 

Please keep growing.  Keep learning.  There is Love and Peace to be found.

 

 

I learned something interesting this week that I thought I would share.

I was thinking about the fact that I no longer believe in the Substitutionary Atonement doctrine. Substitutionary atonement is a central concept in the version of ‘Christianity’ that I was always exposed to in this part of the country and grew up following.

Also known as penal substitution, it asserts that Jesus died as a substitute for others, nullifying the death sentence for sinners, satisfying the demands of justice and allowing God to forgive sins. In simpler terms, Christ became the replacement to pay the penalty for our offenses and sins.

Here is what I have recently (within the past decade or so) learned about this, though. 

First, not all Christians believe it! This thing – that Jesus died for you to save you from your sins – THIS CORNERSTONE piece of what it meant to “be a Christian”, as I was taught and all I ever knew, was actually not even a part of all Christian belief structures.  

In fact, it is predominantly only a central concept in Western Protestant Christian religions – with the Catholic church incorporating it into the idea of penance and most evangelical protestants interpreting it in terms of penal substitution.

Eastern Christians do not incorporate penal substitution into their doctrine of the cross and resurrection.

Many progressive and liberal Christians are now also rejecting penal substitution as being un-Biblical (myself included!), and in direct conflict with the Love of God.  Penal substitution is based upon the idea of retributive justice, rather than the restorative justice which, I believe, was taught by the prophets and Jesus.

Obviously, I knew prior that there was a big difference between Eastern and Western religions and their practices, so I wasn’t totally surprised, until I started to look into, and think about the why.  

Why did Western Christians add this doctrine, but Eastern Christians did not.  In the past, I just sort of assumed it was explained simply by some difference in language/geography/culture.  Turns out, that isn't it.

It's actually Colonization.

Most Western countries, at some point in their history, have experienced colonization.  Hmmm.  Colonization.

When I started to deep dive and compare which countries had been colonized with which countries incorporated Substitutionary Atonement into their theology, turns out, they're pretty much the same. Those countries, which had never been ‘conquered’ (by misguided men who believed that they had a right to conquer and control and take power over others by force), didn’t end up adding that little bit of doctrine to their theology.

Hmmm.  I wonder why. 

Perhaps because that little bit of theology is NOT of God, but of those imperfect men who took power when they shouldn’t have and needed to continue to have a way to justify that way of life.  (Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.)  

It really is their own patriarchy built directly into the theology and religion from the start.  It is Hierarchy being added to the theology and religion from the start.   It is racism and misogyny being added to the theology and religion from the start.  Because it is who those people were, at that time, in that culture, and all they knew at that time. 

They are the people who created the churches and the curriculums and the doctrines according to their own beliefs and then that’s what the churches taught for generation after generation. And people start to just blindly follow without critically thinking about these things or about what they are actually doing.  Again, human nature.

Essentially religion is mankind creating their own God and rules.  It is mankind explaining what THEY believe and what they have experienced.  However, if humans are not 100% able to fully hold themselves accountable for their own actions and the impact of those actions on others and truthfully see all (and no one is!), then they will make errors.

They were men who believed they had a right to rule over and own other human beings as property.  They were men who believed that men were superior to women and had a right to rule over them.  It was imperfect, immature men who established the whole thing. It is not entirely of God.

Jesus didn’t die as a substitute for your sins.  Jesus was murdered by empire and religion because he refused to submit to their ways, because he chose a different way – the way of peace. The way of love. Because of that, they killed him.  

After, they eventually justified it by insisting it was God’s plan all along. And they taught us that we needed to be prepared to follow Jesus to the cross (you know, we needed to just endure their abuse).  And they taught us to give everything and serve, serve, serve… THEM... wanting nothing for ourselves.  But, what of us?  Doesn't God love us, too?  (yes!  he does! Proof this is all a lie!)  Unfortunately, it's all we know, and trauma impacts how our brains process, so we carry on and turn off critical thought and have blind faith because who wants to burn in hell forever?!

But they don't speak for your God.  God is inside of you.  They can’t know what God asks of YOU in this life.  Only you can know that.

Yep.  It all tracks.  Ding, ding, ding.  

It is no surprise that the majority of churches in the United States are actually teaching principles of Christian Nationalism, not the ways of Jesus.  

We are a colonized country. 

We need to reclaim our true spiritual beliefs and understand that our current religious institutions were created by people whose words and actions did not always align.  Honest reflection, true accountability, and accepting responsibility for change!

As I learn to do this more and more, it all makes a lot more sense!  I find a lot more peace and experience a lot more love.  And, it's crazy but, when you base your choices and actions on actual reality, as opposed to wishful thinking, things tend to work out a lot better!  Go figure!  ;-)

with love & understanding,

Lori

#decolonize

#dothework

What now? Reminder to Self

Once again, I find myself sitting here, in complete shock and disgust, feeling like a stranger in this world - certainly in this country!

Once again, my brain can't make this make sense.  It shouldn't make sense! I don't want it to make sense! How can people not see what I and others are seeing?  (IT'S ON VIDEO, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!)  

Once again, my heart starts racing and my pulse increases, and I feel that familiar tightness forming in my chest.  

DANGER!  DANGER!  You're in danger!  

Do something!  

Do something!  

And the fear starts to swell and the chemicals in my body start to increase.

DANGER!

MOVE, LORI!!!!  

DO SOMETHING!

ANYTHING!

until, thankfully, 

that gentle voice that I have come to know, that 'other' guiding force, that Life energy, the Universe, my elders, the Holy Spirit, God, Allah, vibrational alignment -- whatever name that you choose to give that force in your life (stop getting distracted over semantics, people!) -- it, again, reminds me:

Lori, just breathe.  It's just where they are.

Now, would YOU just recognize where YOU are, and stop worrying?

You'll be fine. You don't depend upon that world, you don't have to control it, nor do you have to convince anyone else, you only need to continue intelligently operating within it and you are more than capable of doing that and doing it well.

Unfortunately, my nervous system wasn't really built for that.  That doesn't come automatic to me.

• On this 'physical plane', I never really properly got those messages about believing in myself or knowing that I would be fine, or that I had a right to be heard or acknowledged or to take up space in this world. Unfortunately, those weren't embedded into my nervous system.  Fear was. A need for perfection was. Codependence was.

• I haven't always truthfully been acknowledged or rewarded for my efforts in this world, nor have I always been allowed to freely use my skills without interference; therefore, I never learned to see my own worth honestly or clearly. 

• In my faith journey, I wasn't always encouraged to look at facts, or to question and hold all parties accountable, nor was I taught to incorporate all the data and then make intelligent, rational decisions based upon the entire body of information.  

Those 'programs' just don't always run naturally for me. My OS has a few bugs.  A few missing lines of code.  They are things that I had to learn along the way and now have to work at - every day, with every interaction, with great intention, because my nervous system will always choose comfort over upset, always choose ease over stress and activation, always choose the feeling of familiar over different when left unchecked.

All of our nervous systems will.  It is how they work.  It is how they are formed to protect us.  These are things that I have to actually push myself to do, that I have to push through the discomfort of, and against the icky, terrifying feelings that they are often accompanied by, or they will not happen.

I know I am not alone.  I know that many of us were raised in chaotic situations or unhealthy environments or by toxic people, or we suffered trauma or hardships or hurt that has left its imprint on our nervous systems.

I am so thankful that, over recent years, I have done a lot of work - in counseling, both individual and marriage; through reading and study and self-reflection and making changes in social circles and faith circles and activities; and generally, desperately searching for peace... for love... for joy, and making the best choices I can to support the life that I am seeking.  

It's been hard, but it's been worth it, and I've been finding the Fruit I am looking for, just not in the means or places that I was necessarily taught I'd find it.

Sadly, there are no easy roads.  We can't play the victim in our own life.  We are the driver.  We are in charge.  There is no one who is coming to save us. There is no one qualified to tell us what to do.

BUT WE CAN DO IT!  We can take charge.

Do not let your emotions overwhelm you to the point of ineffectiveness, my friend.  

In this life:

You are the solution.  You are the cure.  You are the driver.  You are the Artist and the Creator.

You have to learn to be honest and care for yourself.  

But, good news, you've got this.  

Each day is just one more day to do it better.  To learn a little more.  To create a little bigger piece of Heaven for yourself in this world...or perhaps, IN SPITE OF THIS WORLD.

Deep Breath. We can do this.

Love you all.  

Lori

My plans for the near future, as per the usual, focusing on Body-Mind-Spirit:

1. Recognize when my body has been activated in some way and remember that it will always feel uncomfortable.  No need to panic without investigating first though.  It might be a legit warning, but chances are, it's a false alarm or an exaggerated response. 

Stay grounded.  Breathe. Walk.  Meditate. Do Yoga.  Engage in breathwork and mindfulness activities.  

In whatever way works, deal with that excess energy in your body.  

Remember, this is the sort of 'stress' that causes disease in the body.

2. Recognize and honor the emotions that you are feeling.  Leave time in life to feel and reflect upon your feelings.  Spirit speaks to you in this space.

Why are you activated? Are you anxious?  Are you afraid? What are you feeling?  

Once you determine the feeling, dig for the underlying cause of the feeling.

If you are feeling scared, why?  What do you fear? 

Is it a reasonable fear? Are you being rational or are your feelings overwhelming your mind/reality?

3. #dothework - Gather all the information and do the difficult work of integrating all the new information and data with the existing data and beliefs - including the feelings and causes you dug up, including factual information provided by the senses and the external, material world via science and nature and experience, and including truthful self-reflection regarding your own patterns, behaviors, actions, thoughts, and beliefs.

4. Be honest regardless of the apparent outcome or your fears.  

When integrating the information, if you are not integrating all of the available information, if you are not recognizing other people's perspectives, if you are not integrating scientifically proven data and are not recognizing the power of Cognitive Bias and other unconscious mental processes, then you are simply deceiving yourself.  

5. Keep your eyes, ears, and mind open always.  Educate yourself and be smart.  Use all the tools and resources you have been given for the living of your best life.  [Speaking of resources, Project 2025 is their playbook.  Finish reading it so you know the game plan and can defend yourself and assist in the defense of all those loved ones in soon-to-be highly targeted groups in the best and most intelligent way possible.] 

Take in all the beautiful things, too - not just the scary and problematic.  Spend time in nature.  Focus on the good things in life.  Don't let your fears cause you to shut down and close yourself off from connecting with others.

Also, remember to be honest with yourself about what your resources and gifts are! 

Eric and I joke sometimes about our IQs and how lonely it is out in the skinny part of the curve.  (see graph below) I know this might trigger some of you, just my saying that.  But here's the thing - it's true.  It's been a part of the world's way of holding us back and keeping us from living up to our potential in this world, to encourage us to deny truths like this about ourselves, to make us feel bad about simply being honest about our giftedness in certain areas.  Why would we shrink ourselves or hide talents or skills to make you or others feel more comfortable?

I know there are a lot of others out there who have also experienced this same thing in life.  

If you find yourself in this situation -- with your IQ or with your Spiritual Intelligence or with your Emotional Intelligence -- way out in front of the curve, know that, regardless of what you may have been taught or currently believe, there is a good chance that you won't ever fit in with the bulk of the crowd; you were made to be a leader. It is lonely and it is hard to find your people in that space, because they are few and far between, but they are out there.  Continue to live authentically, regardless of the crowd, and you will find them!

6. Live your best life.  Love others. Care for your body.  Care for your mind. (Learn to recognize lies and toxic behavior that others use to harm you.) Stay the course and make solid decisions based upon all data, AFTER processing through your emotions and reactions.

Carry on!  The goal is thriving, not just surviving.

My Bonus Son

 This is Maxonn.  I call him my “Bonus Son”.  I think he likes when I call him that, as he excitedly calls me “mom” in return each time.

Maxonn, September 2024

We have communicated with, and sponsored him, since he was 3.  He was born on the exact same day that our Daniel was.  They both just celebrated their 21^st birthdays a few days ago. 

Mackenzie, Maxonn, & Lori in Haiti, 2015

He will graduate with a professional degree in accounting/bookkeeping from his college on December 20^th.  He speaks, reads, and writes 3 languages – Haitian Creole, French, and English.  He sings and plays piano.  He gardens and grows his own food.  He has a strong faith.  He is extremely honest and kind.  He is hard-working and motivated and loves to learn.

He lives alone in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.  He and his family lost everything but survived the earthquake in 2010. He literally risks his life each time that he leaves his apartment, each time that he travels to school, every time he attempts to pursue a future for himself.  Yet, he continues.  By age 20, he had already had to flee his home, and his country, alone, to escape the gang violence which was overrunning the city.  

When the violence was at its worst recently, he would message me at night, lying in bed, praying for sleep to escape the overwhelming fear and anxiety he was feeling.  He would describe to me seeing classmates dead in the street that day.  He would be unable to contact his family or friends in country for weeks at a time.  Stores, banks, governments offices, hospitals – everything was closed.

Sometimes he has food.  Sometimes he doesn’t.  He doesn’t complain, but sometimes he mentions that school was not great because his stomach was hurting because he hadn’t eaten in day or two.  He enjoys teaching me how to use, cook, and garden vegetables, and laughs at my pathetic attempts to garden.  He worries about me and asks me if I have eaten when I am traveling. 

He was hit by a motorcycle a few months back.  He suffered significant road burns across his arms and shoulders.  The driver who hit him didn’t stop.  All the medical centers and hospitals have been burned by the gangs, so there was nowhere for him to receive treatment.  His neighbor tried to clean his wounds at home with soap and water as best she could, and he used herbs to treat himself.  Again, he would message me at night, as he lay in bed, praying for sleep to come so he could escape the pain.

He had a bad urinary tract infection a while back that required antibiotics.  He went to the one remaining medical center, very ill, waited in line for an entire day, only to be seen for triage and told that yes, he qualified to be seen, but that he would have to come back in 4 days for the appointment.  They sent him home with electrolyte tea.  Thankfully, he made it to the appointment – though much sicker – and was able to finally get medicine and relief.

I don’t know how he endures as he does, but each morning, he texts me a cheery “good morning”.  He worries that I don’t rest enough and that I work too much.  He sends pictures of flowers and animals there and I do the same for him.  We talk and share and laugh about life.  He thinks our chicken coop is hilariously ridiculous, as his chickens do not live in such luxury.  I gripe about raccoons, and he gripes about goats. 

Egg McMansion at our house

We both love to learn from one another.  We can go deep in our discussions, it seems at times, because we know going into them, that our communication is going to require work.  Always.  If we want to accurately communicate a message, we expect that there may be effort involved in it.  Therefore, we aren’t easily offended or defensive with one another.  Instead of assuming the worst, we assume that we have probably misunderstood and need to ask more questions.  (Side note – we would ALL do well in relationships to operate this way more.  Don’t get offended.  Seek to understand.)   

So, he asks me honestly, and I must consider, why it is that I am able to take multiple week-long vacations from work each year, but his friends who have immigrated to the US are working three jobs and can barely survive and never get to take time off of work.   

I can explain to him why I do not believe that it is sinful to get a tattoo or to curse, and why it is ok, and I am safe to be a woman at home alone all day, and he can listen without immediately getting triggered.

His life has always been hard.  He has no physical help where he is.  He reports that we are his only emotional/spiritual support.  When your entire nation is living in fight-flight, always, it is hard to survive; let alone, thrive.  Hope is in short-supply.  Frankly, as I see it, America isn’t far from that place now.

Despite all this, his greatest desire for his life is to somehow work and earn money to help care for his family.  He reports no hope for this to ever be possible for him in Haiti, and we see truth in what he shares.

When he doesn’t hear from me for a day or two, he worries that I have forgotten him.

When I don’t hear from him for a day or two, I worry that he is dead. 

(There’s something striking to me about the similarity of effect in our lives between those two situations.  The panic that they create within each of us.  Love and Connection matter…. just as much as the physical provisions.  Anyway…)

We met with an immigration attorney a while back, did all the research, considered all the costs, and applied to serve as a sponsor for Maxonn to apply to come to the U.S. under current legal provisions for him to do so.  The hoops to jump through were many.  They are complex.  It is a teeny-tiny shot in the dark that it will ever happen – even though we were required to assume legal and financial responsibility for him to come; even though we have housing and all necessary provisions for him to come; even though he speaks the language and has skills to offer; even though we, as a family, have been through the immigration process before with our adoption and we were licensed foster parents for years and have all the security clearances. 

It isn’t a simple thing to do.  It’s a desperate, last-ditch effort that people take to save their own lives or the lives of their family members, to escape poverty and violence and war and a life of hardship and pain. And it is LEGAL.  They are doing what they are asked to do in an attempt to find help, any help.

These are people.  They are sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters.  They are friends and family.  They are not monsters or rapists or murderers.  They are human beings.

It is sad to see and hear some of the hateful things that people are saying about Haitian Immigrants.

It is terrifying for me to think that if Maxonn is approved and gets to come and live with us for a bit, that we might be facing a repeat of the experiences that we had when we brought Markos here.

More racism.  More hate.  More ignorance.  More fear.

Frankly, I don’t know if my heart can take that again.  Yet, it is also terrifying for me to think of Maxonn dying before he ever has a chance to live. 

So, we choose Love.  We choose Hope.  We choose to focus on learning and growing and sharing.

We can work together.  There are solutions.  Choose to be a part of them.

Stop spreading lies and hate.  Please.  For my Bonus Son.  

Please Check Yourself!

Friends, it is high time that we ALL fully recognize something:

Society and the culture in which we were born and raised has conditioned and trained us to believe, behave, and respond in ways that are harmful to us and others.

 

If you do not do the difficult work of fully investigating your beliefs, your attitudes, your emotions, your fears, your triggers, your behavior, and your patterned responses, then you WILL unconsciously harm yourself and others whether you ever realize it or not.  

Cultures change slowly. Beliefs change slowly.  Physical changes are slow to manifest. Mindsets are slow to shift.  You have ingrained patriarchal, colonialist, racist beliefs embedded in your DNA, in your nervous system, in your beliefs, your responses, your fears, unless and until you actively root them out.

 Let me share a story with you.

  I took our youngest son to the dentist yesterday. 

The hygienist walked out to the waiting room, called his name, and he went back to the exam room with her while I stayed in the waiting room.

When his cleaning was over, she walked him back to the front and called me over to the desk with them for us to check out.  She handed me a prescription for a special toothpaste, explained that some of the enamel on his teeth is breaking down again, that he isn’t brushing his teeth good enough, and that he needs to come back again to have another area repaired.

I replied with something along the lines of, “OK.  I can’t say that I’m surprised.”, while he piped up with, “I’ve been doing better. I have! I’m going to do better.”

She continued, “Yes, well, he really needs to do better.  I asked him back in the room, ‘Doesn’t your mom ever say anything or get on you about brushing your teeth?’”

<screeeeechhhh>

Whoa.  Hold up. 

She just said,“I asked him, ‘Doesn’t your mom ever…..?’”

Excuse me??!!

Wait?  It’s MY responsibility to ensure that this other human brushes his teeth on a regular and consistent basis??  For how long?  For all of eternity?

Perhaps I should note, for you, the reader:

My son, whom I had at the dentist, turns 18 years old in less than a week.

He has received years’ worth of instruction on the importance of brushing his teeth.  He has studied bacteria in school.  He has been seeing a dentist every 6 months, at least, since he was 4 years old and came to live with us. 

He has long since been capable of brushing his own teeth.  Brushing his teeth is now, and has been for some time, HIS responsibility, not MINE. 

And, quite frankly, as a woman who has spent years in therapy trying to heal from a lifetime of this sort of unfair, untrue, dishonest, patriarchal, abusive bullshit, I take offense at the mere suggestion that it is, in any way, MY fault or responsibility.

Don’t worry.  I didn’t trigger.  A year ago, I would have. 

Instead, I simply laughed and said, “whoa, whoa!  I assure you that his mother has, in fact, taught him about the importance of brushing his teeth and reminded him over and over, for years, about doing so; but he turns 18 years old next week.  He is an adult now.  This is on him, not me.  If he wants to avoid having to come back to the dentist, then I guess HE will need to learn that HE needs to brush his teeth better.”

 Now, was that hygienist trying to guilt me into believing that it is my fault, that I should do better, that my son bears no responsibility in this, that he shouldn’t be held accountable for his own failures?  No. 

But is that what she was implying with her words?  Yes.  She was simply unconsciously repeating what she has been trained to do without thinking her words through. She was simply continuing her own generational trauma and patterns of the past.

The saddest part of this whole thing, for me, is this - what do you think she has unintentionally taught her own daughters, if she has them? 

How do you think their mental health has fared, believing that they are responsible for other people’s choices, other people’s behavior, other people’s refusal to do their part, when they have absolutely NO power to control any of those things?

After years of therapy and study and finally breaking free from a lot of the lies of this co-dependent, patriarchal, colonialist society myself, I can tell you what they’re probably dealing with.  Stress, anxiety, panic disorder, physical illness, autoimmune disease, fear, anger, resentment, isolation, addiction, abuse.

You control you.  And only you.  Make good choices for yourself.

They should control themselves.  And only themselves. Let them make their own choices. 

Then, be honest with yourself and hold yourself AND them accountable for the choices that have been made.

Truth. Honesty. Accountability. For ALL.

 

#dothework

#codependencykills

Growing Pains

 

I keep seeing a sentiment on social media that I feel like we should discuss. 

It is this idea that, as loving human beings, we are supposed to somehow prevent all those people around us, whom we care about, from ever experiencing any unpleasant emotion or feeling. 

That is a LIE.  That is not our job.  That has never been our job.  It will never be our job. 

That would harm them. That would harm us. 

We are not perfect, nor do we control others; therefore, this is also an impossible task.

It is NOT loving or kind to prevent someone else from experiencing pain or discomfort that they experience as a result of their own actions, decisions, and choices.

I know that many of you grew up in codependent, or otherwise unhealthy environments.  I know that many of your churches and your teachers and your parents and your religious books and lots of things in this culture told you otherwise, but those messages are lies. 

Pain and discomfort are necessary. We have to learn how to sit with our feelings.  How to feel the unpleasant ones, and cry the tears, and yell and scream when we need. Our feelings and emotions are messengers to our bodies in this world.  They are how our souls and our bodies communicate and work together to give us, in our rational/logical mind, a true assessment of our reality and bring us into wholeness - body, mind, and Spirit - all working together as one body.

If you involve yourself in someone else’s life so much that you prevent them from experiencing pain or discomfort, you are getting in the way of their growth.  You are keeping them stuck.  You are an obstacle for them to overcome in reaching THEIR potential, THEIR purpose in this life.

Pain, discomfort, and negative feelings are a necessary part of life.  They are the tools of learning.  They are how we gain information about our environment.  Without discomfort, there can be NO GROWTH.  EVER.

This is one of my all-time favorite graphics: 

I like it because it reminds me that ALL growth is going to FEEL scary!  There is NO avoiding that. ALL growth is going to be uncomfortable.  I mean, if you leave your ‘Comfort Zone’, you should expect 'dis'comfort.   (As my pre-teen self would have said, “uh, duh!”) 

So, anyway, back to social media.  This is Pride month in the U.S.  The concept originated after the Stonewall riots, a series of riots which began on June 28, 1969, when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in NYC.  Pride marches began the following year, and the movement spread to include parades, festivals, and national recognition, celebration, and support of the LGBTQ community throughout the month of June.

Over the course of this past few weeks, I have seen the following meme posted a lot.  Posted it myself actually.   Then, I watched the comments flood in on various sites and pages, criticizing the meme, accusing posters of being juvenile or cruel, etc.  

The basic argument? 

‘Why would you want to make someone feel uncomfortable.  That’s so mean.  Why would you want to hurt people like that?’

Answer:  Because your logic is flawed.  Because what you are describing is actually called “enabling”.  Because feelings need to be felt, not numbed, ignored, or avoided.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is make someone uncomfortable.  (“Friend, I love you, but I am really worried about your drug use.”)

Sometimes people NEED to feel uncomfortable in order to grow! 

Sometimes people believe lies.  About others.  About God.  About the world.  About themselves.

Sometimes the only way for someone to be corrected and to grow is for them to feel a little sting of discomfort as they realize their errors.

Sometimes the truth hurts.  That doesn't make it less true.  That doesn't mean you can ignore those parts.

The avoidance of all pain and discomfort in life breeds sociopathic narcissism.  If someone’s emotional intelligence is lacking all ability to self-reflect and deal with the hurt of their own imperfections, then there is no way for them to ever grow. 

Don’t do that to the people you love. 

Speak truth.  Have uncomfortable conversations.  Make yourself uncomfortable sometimes, and you might just watch yourself soar with growth!

 

~Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

 

Peace!

Lori