Helpers Shouldn't Hurt

 

This is something that has been bothering me the past couple of days.

Something which needs to be acknowledged and talked about. 

Something which permeates all of society. 

Something which fools and harms a lot of people. 

Something which warrants accountability and correction.

It is this:

 

Not all ‘Helpers’ are trying to actually help the others.

Many are simply trying to save themselves.

 

Human behavior is incredibly complicated.  Neurobiology is incredibly complicated. Societal interplay and ‘herd mentality’ and the impact that environment and cultural conditioning have upon mental conditions and psychological responses are deep and wide.

Therefore, if you want to truly protect yourself and have all information available to you, to base your decisions upon in life, please know that not all people acting in ‘helping roles’ are truly there for you or for the good of the people they are attempting to help.

A lot of people have deep wounds in the core of their being that cry out that they aren’t good enough and that they have to serve, serve, serve to earn their worth.

That isn’t them acting to help others.  It is them trying to save themselves.  

The energy behind that belief is very different.  It is desperation.  It is a lie. It frequently leads to abuse and harm, to fear and to control, and to injustices all around.

You see this on the news in the cases of police officers who use their power to abuse their spouses, to abuse their captors, to control their own children, to justify using fear and domination as a means to their ends. 

Helpers don’t use power and control to dominate others against their will.  Abusers do.

But it’s not just there. 

When I was a religious person and was very involved in the church, I saw it there, too.  

‘Helpers’ only being willing to ‘help’ if it was THEIR WAY.  ‘Helpers’ refusing to listen to the person needing the help and insisting that the ‘help’ be delivered in unsafe or illogical ways to those in need. And the judgement – OH MY GOSH, the judgement!  As if everyone suffering has brought that suffering upon themselves. As if everyone deserves what they are getting. The self-righteousness being used to keep the status-quo or to justify abuse was just off the charts and unreal.

When I was doing emergency fostering, I saw it there, too.  Our social worker told us once that when he got a very difficult birth mother or family, that he always called us because we were the most equipped and able to manage the contact with the birth families and we showed the most empathy.  I was honestly surprised at first by him saying that because I thought, “but aren’t all emergency foster families empathetic?”

I didn’t understand exactly what he was referring to until we attended our first Christmas dinner with all of the other foster families.  As we all sat around the huge table at LeMont that night, a shocking number of the other families spoke cruelly about the birth mothers and birth families that they had worked with. They spouted off angry judgements and laughed and mocked some of their decisions and actions.  They rejoiced at babies being taken from their families and families being torn apart, instead of longing for any help or reconciliation. Many wanted to punish, not help. Some wanted to help only the baby. Few bothered to even consider the mother or birth family or the fact that regardless of what they believed about that babies’ mother, it’s still THEIR mother.

I will never forget sitting at that table that night. I literally felt shock sitting there listening to them.  It was the same ‘help’ I saw from the ‘very, very dedicated religious folks’ before. 

Not help for the people receiving the help.  ‘Help’ to uphold their mental belief that they were better-than.  ‘Help’ to show how great of a person they were, but how awful the other was. ‘Help’ to allow them to prove their own worth to themselves and uphold the hierarchies that had created in their mind.

Recently someone close to me started working as an EMT for an ambulance service.  Fresh from his training and schooling, it is his first experience working in the medical field.  He’s going in with young, fresh eyes, very excited for his future.  So excited to help others!  He came over last weekend and was sharing stories of his first few weeks on the job – the things that made him sad, the things that brought him joy, and the things that really shocked him. 

He reported that the thing that honestly shocked him more than anything else that he had seen, is that he expected the people with whom he would work to share his beliefs and his empathy and his kindness, but that instead, there were a tremendous number of people that he worked with who are actually very cruel and judgmental.

He shared of how they had visited the home of an individual who weighed in excess of 500 lbs a few weeks earlier to help her move from her bed to a chair. He shared with me of the sadness he felt for her – the sound of her frail shame-filled voice, the smell, the piles of fast-food trash, the paleness of her skin and lack of life within her, and the framed pictures all around the room that he noted of her before she had gained so much weight. Her with a husband and a family. He felt sadness and compassion for her and the extreme loneliness that she must have been living and the sadness of all she must have endured to have gotten to that point.

Then he described his shock after they returned to the squad house and a bunch of the guys began laughing and making fun of “The Land Whale”.  He said he expected caring empathetic people in this field, but instead it felt like the frat house at college.  Then he shared about how much more shocking it was the next weekend when they were called back to that same person’s house and this time they weren’t able to bring her back and she died. 

He felt extreme sadness, but also relief that the soul that he had witnessed the week before suffering so greatly was now at peace. Some of the other guys continued laughing and joking about "The Land Whale" until someone finally spoke up and said, "geez guys – have a little respect. She literally just lost her life.”

 

If people are in ‘helper roles’ but lack empathy, they represent a special kind of danger in this world because everyone expects them to make decisions for the good of those they are helping, but they won’t.  

They aren’t considering that person at all.  They are doing it for their own egos.  They are doing it to prove that they’re better than, that they’re right, that they get to be in charge and in control because they know more. 

They lack Emotional Maturity to the point that they are a danger to the rest of us at times, because they are incapable of managing feelings and emotions so much that they miss a whole lot of other very important information in this world!

 

Actions matter more than words.

Actions matter more than titles.

Actions matter more than positions.

Actions matter more than beliefs.

Empathy, Understanding, Honesty, Kindness – those are the qualities of TRUE HELPERS AND HEALERS!!!

 

Do not be fooled by those who actually need healing themselves.

Disgruntled Hockey Mom

 

As a previous “hockey mom” of two sons who both played ice hockey from Mites through high school, I need to do a little venting. Maybe it was all those super early practices or games that I had to get up for.  Maybe it was all the far away tournaments or games that I had to drive to.  Maybe it was my years and years of being a ‘business manager’ for one of my boys’ hockey teams and all the hours of behind the scenes work that I put in for it.  Maybe it was the thought of the thousands and thousands of dollars that my family has spent through the years on hockey. But I have to say, as a mom, I expect better.  As a woman, I expect better.  As a fan of women’s hockey, I expect better.  I couldn’t be more disappointed in the men’s US Olympic hockey team.

Early that Sunday morning, my whole family got up and snuggled together in the family room to watch Team USA and Team Canada battle it out on the ice.  It was an incredible game - close, exciting hockey.  Just a one goal difference the entire game.

When they won, we all cheered and yelled and jumped and danced around the room – even our college student was awake and animated at an hour far earlier than the norm.

We felt proud. We sat and talked and reminisced about our sons’ days playing hockey and all the good times we all shared with teammates and friends.  We were happy and excited for USA Hockey as a whole.  What an exciting outcome – gold medals for the men’s team and the women’s team! What an amazing accomplishment for USA Hockey! Such a special and incredible time for hockey players everywhere in the U.S.  This is the good stuff of the Olympics!

Then, it happened.  That phone call. 

Everyone happy and excited and celebrating and partying in the locker room.  What should have been a call of celebration and recognition from the top leader of our country. Instead, in the middle of it, out of nowhere, an underhanded swipe at women.  An attempt to take-away from the women's win.  An attempt to put them down.  A joke with an underlying, hinted message – ‘sorry guys, but you do realize I am going to “have to” invite the women because if I don’t, they’ll have me impeached’.

What.The.Frick?!! Why would he do that? Why would he feel the need to use his energy and his voice at that moment to add that? And why act like it's a burden to have the women's team there?

Think about it.  It isn’t a joke.  It’s intentional.  It’s what weak men do to women all the time.  It’s misogyny. It’s actually emotional abuse. He just can’t let women have that win.  He just can’t let the women feel as important as the men. He has to try to diminish theirs somehow. To paint the narrative that the men’s win is more important than the women’s.

Let’s be real though.  We all expect that sort of talk and behavior from him at this point. No need for me to even say his name and you all know who I mean.  Point being – from him, we got what we all expected from that call.  Him, attempting to use this team's win to satisfy his own ego, and to use them to try to get people to attend his waffling upcoming state of the union.  We know that when he opens his mouth to speak, he will add nothing of value to the conversation so we expect none.

Sadly though, Men’s Team USA also had an opportunity in that moment and they failed. 

They also had a chance to say something of value in that moment and they wasted it!

They had the opportunity to say no. They had an opportunity to say stop.  They had the opportunity to say, we support the women.  We believe women are our equals.  We believe the women’s team DESERVES to be invited to the White House to honor their incredible achievement - which was just as important as ours!  They had an opportunity to say, we believe women deserve their victories and their wins, too.  To say that the women have worked just as hard as they have. To say something… anything… to stop this weak man on the phone from trying to tear the women’s team down.  

Instead, they just laughed along with him. They jumped at the opportunity to be flown around and treated like celebrities, while they stood by and let him diminish their fellow American female hockey players’ victory.

It was then that such a huge win was immediately ruined and turned into an even bigger loss for me.  Such a short victory in my opinion. 

They lost the chance to say to the world that women matter.  They lost my respect and the respect of many, many people out there who also saw their actions for what they were.  They lost our excitement for their win.  And frankly, they lost my desire to support them anymore.  That win was big, but this loss is bigger.

How sad.  How gross. How pathetic that after decades of the women in their lives supporting them and their dreams, they couldn’t even suppress laughter, while on the world stage, at a disgusting misogynistic joke by an abusive rapist and pedophile president. 

How sad that so many of them jumped at the opportunity to kiss his ass and fly on his plane - all to stroke their own egos.

 How sad that they didn’t have the strength, balls, or maturity to stand up for the women who were actually a part of making this happen for them. 

And how sad that weak men and women are out there now, still trying to make excuses for them and others like them, with their cries of “oh that’s just locker room talk”, “why does everything have to be so political”, and all the other usual pathetic excuses for allowing one individual to treat another individual poorly, or for using their privilege to only care about themselves. 

Just excusing the fact that the bar is set that low because they themselves are just as weak and refuse to defend and stand up for women or minorities or any other people groups who are being oppressed.

This lack of accountability in this country is absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Weak men and women pick on others and put them down.  Strong men and women support others and lift them up.

If it weren’t for the women in those players’ lives, I guarantee you that none of those men would be playing on that team.  In fact, please, all men hear this - if it weren’t for the women in your lives, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE LIFE!!!  

Throughout all the years I was a hockey mom, I assure you there were a whole lot of women running things, keeping schedules, scheduling referees, manning time sheets and time clocks, attending meetings, serving as the “Team Managers” (AKA – “team moms” – AKA – the only individual capable of doing all the executive functioning, planning, and organization for the group) on all the teams, in all the organizations, and on all the administrative boards. The sport wouldn’t function without women.

I also assure you that the athletes on that women's team practiced just as hard, spent just as much time and energy on the sport, and deserve to be recognized just as much as the men.

So anyway, just needed to say, Hey Men’s Team USA, nice hockey game. Now, grow up.  I feel sorry for your mothers. I feel sorry for your sisters.  I feel sorry for your wives. I feel sorry for your daughters.  I feel sad for them that they have given their hearts and souls to love YOU and support YOU and give to YOU and you aren’t even able or willing to stand up for them in the simplest of ways.

Weak. Pathetic. Takers. Just like a lot of other men at the top - narcissistic, self-centered, and lacking awareness and emotional maturity.  So defensive about themselves and their position, and needing to believe that they “did it themselves”, “earned it without anyone else”, that they are just completely blind to their own true interactions with others. 

Hughes spoke out after and his take was basically – ‘eh, everything is so political – we just wanted to have fun and see the White House’.  Typical position of privilege.  It’s easy to ignore politics when it isn’t YOUR life, YOUR rights, YOUR freedoms that are slowly being chipped away.

A whole lot of rich, white, famous, straight men think they don’t have to give a shit about anyone else, so they don’t. That’s not fun.  That’s yucky and feels gross. Boys just want to have fun. That actually means they might have to give up the unfair advantages they’ve always had in this COLONIZED COUNTRY! 

Proud of the 5 men who declined the invitation.  Frankly, the other little boys can F off.  A lot of life occurs off the ice.  You need the women in your life.  You should treat them better and actually defend them when others are abusing them – especially when that person is a KNOWN RAPIST, SEXIST, and PEDOPHILE!

Proud of USA Women’s Hockey! 

As per the usual, boys, a lot of you have some growing up to do.  

Raise the bar!  Call out unacceptable treatment of others.  Misogynistic men will only ever listen to other MEN who look and act like them!  If you don’t start standing up for us, they will never learn because they can’t hear from us.  

Please do your part for the women in your lives, men!!  Thought you fancied yourselves “protectors”.

    (No offense, but seriously - what a sad, pathetic joke!)

You know what? You're right! It probably IS my fault.

 

I was thinking about perspective, communication, and defensiveness again.  

We all have tremendous power, but very little awareness, as it pertains to language and communication.  We say words, flippantly, attempting to either communicate an idea or objective, or to influence belief or opinion - with little attention as to the actual message which is being received or other messages which are also being communicated in the process. 

We also receive words and misunderstand.  We twist and deceive ourselves in good ways and in bad ways, as it pertains to the messages that we choose to receive from others.  It’s a struggle for everyone.

Past negative experience, trauma, fear - it all produces reactions within us that we aren't entirely in control of or aware of at times.  

Messages get hijacked. Ideas get lost. Communication gets corrupted.

Anyway, I was talking with Maxonn yesterday - just chit-chatting about life and plants and fruit and what we were currently eating and growing.  Him in Haiti.  Me in southwestern PA.

He was telling me about the types of trees that he has on his land and about his love of figs.  This led to my sharing with him that I was attempting to grow citrus trees indoors – a lime tree and some weird orange variety. 

I told him how the trees were growing very slowly and that the fruit was currently miniature-sized.  I joked that I was afraid I would be dead before the limes were big enough for me to use. 

I sent him a few pictures, and as I was doing so, he responded.

    “That is entirely your fault.”

At first, the message rattled me – just for a fraction of a second – my heart rate shot up. I felt that rush of adrenaline in my chest.  “It's your fault”…. and then I let that wave of feelings pass through me, and I started to laugh. 

This ‘triggering’ of my nervous system happens occasionally when he and I are talking – usually just due to the process of language translation and both of us needing to translate back & forth, in addition to how directly we try to speak to avoid confusion between one another. It has occurred less, over time, the longer that we are in relationship with one another, the more that we trust one another, and the more that we both grow in our ability to navigate difficult conversations.

At this point, he and I are both used to needing to ask for clarification and assistance with understanding; therefore, our inaccurate assumptions and fears are usually very short-lived.  Offense and hurt feelings are quickly and easily rectified and resolved because we have to work to ensure that the correct message is being delivered most of the time.

After I thought about it, as he continued to explain to me that I needed to move my trees to larger pots and that I needed to use fertilizer more frequently to increase the fruit size, etc., I replied:

“You know what – you are actually probably correct. It probably is my fault! I have no idea what I am doing! 😊 If I am being totally honest, I really thought I was going to kill both of them, so for me, the fact that they are growing fruit at all – even if it IS teeny, tiny, little miniature fruit – is a WIN! 😊”

He had already explained to me all the tips he had to improve my indoor citrus trees’ lives and size by the time he received it, but he responded with:

    

    "😂😂😂  You make me laugh, Mrs. Lori!"

 

And that, friends, is all I can provide for him.  A laugh.  A distraction from his very difficult life in Haiti.  Someone outside of himself to talk to and share with.  That’s how I believe that relationships are supposed to work in life.  

I help you.  You help me.  We work together to help each other to grow and to support one another, sharing what we can with each other.  Sometimes it's material.  Sometimes it's emotional.  Sometimes it's spiritual.

If only we were all willing to let down our defenses just a tiny little bit to be able to continue with the conversations, push through the discomfort, try to understand, so we could all get to the solid advice, get to the shared experiences, get to the laughter, and help one another.

I currently have 5 limes on my tree - one more and I will have enough for a six-pack of Corona.  One whole lime per beer.  

If the fertilizer doesn't work, the limes might even fit in the bottle whole. 😀

Accept and Embrace 'The Denial'

 

I was watching a TV show the other day. A little girl, who was struggling, was talking with a family friend, who happened to be a psychologist. They weren't together in a therapy setting. She was dumped at this friend's house in an emergent childcare situation.

The friend sat and allowed the child to vent.  She slowly, carefully, and gently, got the little girl to share her frustrations and hurt.

Then, she began to gently guide her to understand how sometimes those things that we believe to be true, aren’t actually true.  She went on to explain how sometimes our brains are so afraid or want to protect us so much, that they aren’t able to accept certain things as being true – even though they are true.  She explained how sometimes we simply are not equipped, as human beings, to handle those very appropriate feelings that we are experiencing, in that moment.  And, how sometimes, our brains are so afraid that we have a hard time even considering a topic at all, to figure out if it is true or not.

Over the course of the conversation, the little girl starts to accept these facts about how our brains work, and she begins talking to the therapist about this condition/these facts, which she begins to refer to as, “The Denial”. 

Instead of believing that she was somehow broken or wrong for this condition, or that it was her fault somehow; instead of believing that it had anything to do with her at all; she lovingly accepts this thing, that her body and mind do to protect her and keep her safe, as a normal thing that occurs in us, humans.  She also begins to recognize how, if she is not careful and engages in this too much, it has the potential to hurt her by allowing her to ignore things that she needs to pay attention to in order to protect herself.

There was something really innocent and sweet, hearing that little girl go on and on about 'The Denial' in her cute little voice.  It somehow brought the entire concept down to the same level of affliction as ‘Cooties’ or ‘The Cheese Touch’ - which seems appropriate for a normal, nervous system defense mechanism, I guess. 

Later on in the show, the little girl is at her mom’s job with her, and a grown man comes in, obviously upset and feeling out-of-control and begins spouting off things that are clearly untrue.  The little girl was listening intently as he talked.  When he finished, she walked over, lovingly looked up at him, rubbed his arm, and asked very sincerely, with true concern, “Aw, you’ve got ‘The Denial’, too?” then continued, “I do, too. It’s ok. We’re going to be ok. We can figure it out together.”

And the Spirit inside me rang out, “…and a little child shall lead them.”

***

Friends, neurobiology and psychology are incredibly powerful.  Understanding how trauma and triggers and fears and denial and disassociation impact human behavior, human understanding, mindset, and critical thinking are of paramount importance if you want to protect yourself in this world.

Implicit/Learned Biases and other conditioned responses are real. Your nervous system has literally been programmed by your experiences in this lifetime.  If you haven’t done work around this in yourself, there is a good chance you are hurting yourself and/or operating via unconscious beliefs that do not serve you or your best life.

Embrace ‘The Denial’ and then learn from it so it doesn’t hurt you!

 

[Side note: for those who have embraced their own denial long ago and are now dealing with others who are suffering from a lack of awareness, it is helping me in those moments, to think, in that cute little kid’s empathetic voice, “aww, do you have ‘The Denial’, too?”.  I find it especially helpful when dealing with grown adults.  Somehow, it helps to put you in the proper positioning for what you are dealing with. 😊]

Problem Identified

 

I had a funny realization this morning.  Something I need to brainstorm for a bit.

I am one of those people who strongly dislikes self-imposed suffering due to delayed acceptance of reality. 😊  In other words, I am not a procrastinator.

If there is something that I know must be done, which is going to be unpleasant but yet is also unavoidable, I would rather just get it over-with. This allows me to avoid adding additional time experiencing the feelings of dread and anxiety and stress and fear awaiting the event, thereby shortening the duration of total suffering. If the water is cold and I want to go swimming, I’m just jumping in the deep end.  There will be no slow, prolonged, torturous entry.  I’m jumping.

However, I am also an over-thinker, big picture person, with possible OCD and I’m a recovering control freak. [I use the present tense because recovery is still a work in progress.]  Honestly, I prefer to think that I’m just an imperfect, but intelligent person who tries to live her life very consciously most of the time, so I like information.  I want to make informed decisions for the best management of my life. Admittedly, that sometimes means that I can take a long time to get to that jumping point.

Anyway….. here was my morning realization:

Over these past few years in my continued efforts to overcome performance and social anxieties so I can pursue singing, I realized that it was ALSO a struggle for me to talk on stage.  It wasn’t just being up in front of people and being ‘seen’.  It wasn’t just the fear of imperfection with the singing.  It wasn’t just the vulnerability required with sharing original material with the world.  Though none of those are great either!  It was the talking and general banter between songs – just having to be available to chit-chat with people and be present in the moment, unable to be prepared or to have control or to have any advanced information to study, which was tripping me up. 

Problem identified. Brainstorming occurred. Solution identified.  Find a way to develop and practice this skill. 

I started thinking, I could host an Open Mic night at a local venue. Tons of pros, no real cons, tons of fun, would force me to have to talk on stage on the fly.  And, I can do that - it will just be a couple of musicians, sharing together. My fellow Pocket Cookies bandmates would love it, too, and would help. Musicians want this, the area needs it. A small intimate community of supportive musician friends, I thought.  Yes, this is a great idea.  Decision made.  JUMP!

Fast forward to this week, at only our 7^th event, where I stood on the stage in front of over 70 people, where I looked out and thought to myself, “Well shit, this escalated quickly. I hadn’t really thought about this actually being successful.”

And that was the big realization!  As much of an over-thinker as I am!  As much of a researcher and a knowledge-seeker! As much of a ‘big picture – consider every angle – person’ as I am!  I rarely ever allow myself to think about the future going my way, about it all actually working out for my good, about actually being successful.

But that is the stuff that dreams are made of!  There is wisdom to be gained there as well.

Dreaming - I should learn to do that next!

Problem identified.

Brainstorming – how do you change your mindset for success, how do you accept the possibility that you might actually be able to get everything that you’ve ever wanted, how do you dream about your future?

Learning to dream!  What a terrifying thought!  What’s that ‘jump’ going to look like?!

Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends

As many times a day as necessary…..

 

Despite currently being in a very good place mentally, emotionally, and physically, as I sit and reflect upon the news of yesterday, I feel the rising panic in my body.  I sense the fear threatening to take over.

I recognize it for what it is – a warning from my body – “This is not right.  This is not safe. Flee from this.” I try not to let the warning consume me and acknowledge the message. “I know. I see it.”

I take a deep breath and close the app. That’s enough news for today. Boundaries.

I’m here, now.

I’m safe. 

What is the next right step for me to take in this moment?

💓💓💓

These times are overwhelming. Many deep, core-level things are coming into light for a lot of people.  People feel betrayed and afraid. They are angry and grieving. They feel helpless and hopeless.

I remember when I first began deconstructing my beliefs and found inconsistencies, errors, and lies. I remember the desperation and the desire for answers.

If this is the space you currently find yourself in, here are some books that I found to be incredibly helpful resources along my journey.  Check them out if you’re struggling. 

You’re not alone.  A lot of people have gone through this before you.  Allow yourself to learn from them.  They can help you.

Books: (with links for Thriftbooks – support them instead of Amazon!)

1.       The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Miguel Ruiz - The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide... book by Miguel Ruiz

2.       How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self - How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, an...

3.       Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive: And the Truth that Sets Us Free by Jonathan Walton - Twelve Lies That Hold America Captive:... book by Jonathan Walton

4.       The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth by Beth Allison Barr - The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How... book by Beth Allison Barr

5.       The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body and in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind,... book by Bessel A. van der Kolk

Scattering Seeds

        I like to think that I share a lot because:

•    I want to help others avoid suffering in ways that I have.
•    I want others to know that they are not alone.
•    I want people to find hope and solutions that they might not have considered.
•    I want people to find the freedom and peace that I dreamed of finding for so long and have now finally found.
•    My soul cries out, “taste and see that Love is good…. And that the spirit of Love is IN YOU” and I can't help but try to tell others. 

      The world lies and so many of us were sold a false version of Love.  There is no Fear in Love. There is no judgement.  There is just learning and growth and acceptance and reciprocal encouragement and mutual support.

 But, if I’m being totally honest, I also share selfishly at times, too.

• So I can avoid the triggering I feel in my body when people who are close to me say hateful things without realizing it.
• So I can point out the ways that my ego was right and theirs was wrong because it makes me feel superior and therefore safe.
• So I can avoid the fear that threatens to overtake me when I look around and feel as though entire communities are living in a different reality than I am, due to misinformation and our corrupt media conglomerates in this nation.
• So I can stop feeling so frustrated at the general apathy, close-mindedness, and unwillingness of people to consider other perspectives, different from their own, in order to investigate and honestly determine the best solutions for us as a nation, or for themselves as a human.

I don’t honestly know which this one is - a genuine desire to help others or a selfish desire for this madness to end.  

It puts people at risk.  Worse, it puts people I love at risk, even though they are LEGAL immigrants.  I believe that it is fundamentally immoral, illegal, and unconstitutional. None of which are small things.  

But honestly, emotionally, I am just so tired of people being so willing to pull the wool over their own eyes and disregard basic facts.  I am tired of the news, the politicians, the advertisers, the CEOs, and all the others lying to make it harder and harder to determine truthful fact from manipulative deceit. I am tired of the all-or-nothing thinking and the what-about-isms.  We are not toddlers.  Communication requires both a desire to hear and understand, as well as to talk and be heard, by ALL PARTIES involved.

This is one of those completely irritating immigration political points for me.  It’s exhausting and I don’t understand why people are not willing to hear or understand it, because, honestly, it seems really simple to me. 

Many of us would support an ethically-run immigration system wherein those immigrants who are granted temporary status have that status revoked if they are found guilty of having committed a crime.  We would support returning the 'rapists' and 'murderers' to their home countries and not granting them legal status in this country, if this were, in fact, rapists and murderers.

That is not what is happening here.

When it comes to politics and laws and how our government functions, one must be willing to read all of a thing, and to read between the lines, if one is going to consider it at all, because that is where changes are really occurring, that is where the boundaries are being pushed, and where the loopholes are being created.

First, please know, I am not going to argue this particular act or immigration as a whole.  I am done with that. If we disagree, we disagree.  If you have facts which might change my mind, please share them, but if they can't be proven or cited from reputable sources, then don't waste my time. I can read the act for myself with my own eyes.  I can read the amendments which have been added.  

And because I have, I will, also, provide a few seeds for you to also hopefully consider.  

No, I do not support the Laken-Riley Act and here is why:

There were things in this act that are extremely problematic, in my opinion.  

This act allows for mandatory detention of people simply based on “accusation and/or arrest”.  There is no difference provided in the treatment of the accused versus the guilty.  Additionally, it created several judicial review changes, all of which serve to strip all possibility of rectifying any wrongdoing and removing any outside oversight.  I personally want MORE ACCOUNTABILITY, not less.

The only course of action that an innocent immigrant has now that this has been passed, is to ask for the Dept of Homeland Security to check and see if they were designated correctly in their immigration category which allowed us to detain them.  Well, if their designation is “accused of a crime”, then guess what, Dept of Homeland Security can look and say, “yep, the designation is correct.  You were accused of a crime.” And that’s that.  That is the only recourse.  Any person can accuse an immigrant of a crime, and they can be confined without any recourse.

What happened to innocent until proven guilty?  You see, this is where the racism comes in -- some people assume that they are all guilty and want them all treated as such without any rights to due process or humane treatment.  

Some of us believe that doing that is the equivalent to treating an entire group of people differently simply based upon the color of their skin or the nation in which they were born, and we define that as racism, and, in this case, White Supremacy - believing that the white nationalities are better, safer, deserve to live here, whereas the others, well, they can "just go back to where they came from".  Right?  Gross.

You can read the internal memo which was sent out to employees and see exactly what they were concerned about.  I highlighted the parts that concern me.  Assuming control over immigrants for any reason they deem required, regardless of law, and ensuring that no one can stop them.

 Here’s an article that explains a little better than I do:

Legal expert says the bipartisan Laken Riley Act is unjust, wasteful and a Trojan horse : NPR

 

Here is the internal memorandum instructing employees about the new changes.  (I highlighted the parts I, personally, have a problem with.):

 https://www.justice.gov/eoir/media/1387731/dl?inline

Here is the actual Act and addendums where you can clearly see and read the verbiage that is being included/excluded, etc.

S.5 - 119th Congress (2025-2026): Laken Riley Act | Congress.gov | Library of Congress