Problem Identified

 

I had a funny realization this morning.  Something I need to brainstorm for a bit.

I am one of those people who strongly dislikes self-imposed suffering due to delayed acceptance of reality. 😊  In other words, I am not a procrastinator.

If there is something that I know must be done, which is going to be unpleasant but yet is also unavoidable, I would rather just get it over-with. This allows me to avoid adding additional time experiencing the feelings of dread and anxiety and stress and fear awaiting the event, thereby shortening the duration of total suffering. If the water is cold and I want to go swimming, I’m just jumping in the deep end.  There will be no slow, prolonged, torturous entry.  I’m jumping.

However, I am also an over-thinker, big picture person, with possible OCD and I’m a recovering control freak. [I use the present tense because recovery is still a work in progress.]  Honestly, I prefer to think that I’m just an imperfect, but intelligent person who tries to live her life very consciously most of the time, so I like information.  I want to make informed decisions for the best management of my life. Admittedly, that sometimes means that I can take a long time to get to that jumping point.

Anyway….. here was my morning realization:

Over these past few years in my continued efforts to overcome performance and social anxieties so I can pursue singing, I realized that it was ALSO a struggle for me to talk on stage.  It wasn’t just being up in front of people and being ‘seen’.  It wasn’t just the fear of imperfection with the singing.  It wasn’t just the vulnerability required with sharing original material with the world.  Though none of those are great either!  It was the talking and general banter between songs – just having to be available to chit-chat with people and be present in the moment, unable to be prepared or to have control or to have any advanced information to study, which was tripping me up. 

Problem identified. Brainstorming occurred. Solution identified.  Find a way to develop and practice this skill. 

I started thinking, I could host an Open Mic night at a local venue. Tons of pros, no real cons, tons of fun, would force me to have to talk on stage on the fly.  And, I can do that - it will just be a couple of musicians, sharing together. My fellow Pocket Cookies bandmates would love it, too, and would help. Musicians want this, the area needs it. A small intimate community of supportive musician friends, I thought.  Yes, this is a great idea.  Decision made.  JUMP!

Fast forward to this week, at only our 7^th event, where I stood on the stage in front of over 70 people, where I looked out and thought to myself, “Well shit, this escalated quickly. I hadn’t really thought about this actually being successful.”

And that was the big realization!  As much of an over-thinker as I am!  As much of a researcher and a knowledge-seeker! As much of a ‘big picture – consider every angle – person’ as I am!  I rarely ever allow myself to think about the future going my way, about it all actually working out for my good, about actually being successful.

But that is the stuff that dreams are made of!  There is wisdom to be gained there as well.

Dreaming - I should learn to do that next!

Problem identified.

Brainstorming – how do you change your mindset for success, how do you accept the possibility that you might actually be able to get everything that you’ve ever wanted, how do you dream about your future?

Learning to dream!  What a terrifying thought!  What’s that ‘jump’ going to look like?!