You know what? You're right! It probably IS my fault.

 

I was thinking about perspective, communication, and defensiveness again.  

We all have tremendous power, but very little awareness, as it pertains to language and communication.  We say words, flippantly, attempting to either communicate an idea or objective, or to influence belief or opinion - with little attention as to the actual message which is being received or other messages which are also being communicated in the process. 

We also receive words and misunderstand.  We twist and deceive ourselves in good ways and in bad ways, as it pertains to the messages that we choose to receive from others.  It’s a struggle for everyone.

Past negative experience, trauma, fear - it all produces reactions within us that we aren't entirely in control of or aware of at times.  

Messages get hijacked. Ideas get lost. Communication gets corrupted.

Anyway, I was talking with Maxonn yesterday - just chit-chatting about life and plants and fruit and what we were currently eating and growing.  Him in Haiti.  Me in southwestern PA.

He was telling me about the types of trees that he has on his land and about his love of figs.  This led to my sharing with him that I was attempting to grow citrus trees indoors – a lime tree and some weird orange variety. 

I told him how the trees were growing very slowly and that the fruit was currently miniature-sized.  I joked that I was afraid I would be dead before the limes were big enough for me to use. 

I sent him a few pictures, and as I was doing so, he responded.

    “That is entirely your fault.”

At first, the message rattled me – just for a fraction of a second – my heart rate shot up. I felt that rush of adrenaline in my chest.  “It's your fault”…. and then I let that wave of feelings pass through me, and I started to laugh. 

This ‘triggering’ of my nervous system happens occasionally when he and I are talking – usually just due to the process of language translation and both of us needing to translate back & forth, in addition to how directly we try to speak to avoid confusion between one another. It has occurred less, over time, the longer that we are in relationship with one another, the more that we trust one another, and the more that we both grow in our ability to navigate difficult conversations.

At this point, he and I are both used to needing to ask for clarification and assistance with understanding; therefore, our inaccurate assumptions and fears are usually very short-lived.  Offense and hurt feelings are quickly and easily rectified and resolved because we have to work to ensure that the correct message is being delivered most of the time.

After I thought about it, as he continued to explain to me that I needed to move my trees to larger pots and that I needed to use fertilizer more frequently to increase the fruit size, etc., I replied:

“You know what – you are actually probably correct. It probably is my fault! I have no idea what I am doing! 😊 If I am being totally honest, I really thought I was going to kill both of them, so for me, the fact that they are growing fruit at all – even if it IS teeny, tiny, little miniature fruit – is a WIN! 😊”

He had already explained to me all the tips he had to improve my indoor citrus trees’ lives and size by the time he received it, but he responded with:

    

    "😂😂😂  You make me laugh, Mrs. Lori!"

 

And that, friends, is all I can provide for him.  A laugh.  A distraction from his very difficult life in Haiti.  Someone outside of himself to talk to and share with.  That’s how I believe that relationships are supposed to work in life.  

I help you.  You help me.  We work together to help each other to grow and to support one another, sharing what we can with each other.  Sometimes it's material.  Sometimes it's emotional.  Sometimes it's spiritual.

If only we were all willing to let down our defenses just a tiny little bit to be able to continue with the conversations, push through the discomfort, try to understand, so we could all get to the solid advice, get to the shared experiences, get to the laughter, and help one another.

I currently have 5 limes on my tree - one more and I will have enough for a six-pack of Corona.  One whole lime per beer.  

If the fertilizer doesn't work, the limes might even fit in the bottle whole. 😀