Accept and Embrace 'The Denial'

 

I was watching a TV show the other day. A little girl, who was struggling, was talking with a family friend, who happened to be a psychologist. They weren't together in a therapy setting. She was dumped at this friend's house in an emergent childcare situation.

The friend sat and allowed the child to vent.  She slowly, carefully, and gently, got the little girl to share her frustrations and hurt.

Then, she began to gently guide her to understand how sometimes those things that we believe to be true, aren’t actually true.  She went on to explain how sometimes our brains are so afraid or want to protect us so much, that they aren’t able to accept certain things as being true – even though they are true.  She explained how sometimes we simply are not equipped, as human beings, to handle those very appropriate feelings that we are experiencing, in that moment.  And, how sometimes, our brains are so afraid that we have a hard time even considering a topic at all, to figure out if it is true or not.

Over the course of the conversation, the little girl starts to accept these facts about how our brains work, and she begins talking to the therapist about this condition/these facts, which she begins to refer to as, “The Denial”. 

Instead of believing that she was somehow broken or wrong for this condition, or that it was her fault somehow; instead of believing that it had anything to do with her at all; she lovingly accepts this thing, that her body and mind do to protect her and keep her safe, as a normal thing that occurs in us, humans.  She also begins to recognize how, if she is not careful and engages in this too much, it has the potential to hurt her by allowing her to ignore things that she needs to pay attention to in order to protect herself.

There was something really innocent and sweet, hearing that little girl go on and on about 'The Denial' in her cute little voice.  It somehow brought the entire concept down to the same level of affliction as ‘Cooties’ or ‘The Cheese Touch’ - which seems appropriate for a normal, nervous system defense mechanism, I guess. 

Later on in the show, the little girl is at her mom’s job with her, and a grown man comes in, obviously upset and feeling out-of-control and begins spouting off things that are clearly untrue.  The little girl was listening intently as he talked.  When he finished, she walked over, lovingly looked up at him, rubbed his arm, and asked very sincerely, with true concern, “Aw, you’ve got ‘The Denial’, too?” then continued, “I do, too. It’s ok. We’re going to be ok. We can figure it out together.”

And the Spirit inside me rang out, “…and a little child shall lead them.”

***

Friends, neurobiology and psychology are incredibly powerful.  Understanding how trauma and triggers and fears and denial and disassociation impact human behavior, human understanding, mindset, and critical thinking are of paramount importance if you want to protect yourself in this world.

Implicit/Learned Biases and other conditioned responses are real. Your nervous system has literally been programmed by your experiences in this lifetime.  If you haven’t done work around this in yourself, there is a good chance you are hurting yourself and/or operating via unconscious beliefs that do not serve you or your best life.

Embrace ‘The Denial’ and then learn from it so it doesn’t hurt you!

 

[Side note: for those who have embraced their own denial long ago and are now dealing with others who are suffering from a lack of awareness, it is helping me in those moments, to think, in that cute little kid’s empathetic voice, “aww, do you have ‘The Denial’, too?”.  I find it especially helpful when dealing with grown adults.  Somehow, it helps to put you in the proper positioning for what you are dealing with. 😊]

Problem Identified

 

I had a funny realization this morning.  Something I need to brainstorm for a bit.

I am one of those people who strongly dislikes self-imposed suffering due to delayed acceptance of reality. 😊  In other words, I am not a procrastinator.

If there is something that I know must be done, which is going to be unpleasant but yet is also unavoidable, I would rather just get it over-with. This allows me to avoid adding additional time experiencing the feelings of dread and anxiety and stress and fear awaiting the event, thereby shortening the duration of total suffering. If the water is cold and I want to go swimming, I’m just jumping in the deep end.  There will be no slow, prolonged, torturous entry.  I’m jumping.

However, I am also an over-thinker, big picture person, with possible OCD and I’m a recovering control freak. [I use the present tense because recovery is still a work in progress.]  Honestly, I prefer to think that I’m just an imperfect, but intelligent person who tries to live her life very consciously most of the time, so I like information.  I want to make informed decisions for the best management of my life. Admittedly, that sometimes means that I can take a long time to get to that jumping point.

Anyway….. here was my morning realization:

Over these past few years in my continued efforts to overcome performance and social anxieties so I can pursue singing, I realized that it was ALSO a struggle for me to talk on stage.  It wasn’t just being up in front of people and being ‘seen’.  It wasn’t just the fear of imperfection with the singing.  It wasn’t just the vulnerability required with sharing original material with the world.  Though none of those are great either!  It was the talking and general banter between songs – just having to be available to chit-chat with people and be present in the moment, unable to be prepared or to have control or to have any advanced information to study, which was tripping me up. 

Problem identified. Brainstorming occurred. Solution identified.  Find a way to develop and practice this skill. 

I started thinking, I could host an Open Mic night at a local venue. Tons of pros, no real cons, tons of fun, would force me to have to talk on stage on the fly.  And, I can do that - it will just be a couple of musicians, sharing together. My fellow Pocket Cookies bandmates would love it, too, and would help. Musicians want this, the area needs it. A small intimate community of supportive musician friends, I thought.  Yes, this is a great idea.  Decision made.  JUMP!

Fast forward to this week, at only our 7^th event, where I stood on the stage in front of over 70 people, where I looked out and thought to myself, “Well shit, this escalated quickly. I hadn’t really thought about this actually being successful.”

And that was the big realization!  As much of an over-thinker as I am!  As much of a researcher and a knowledge-seeker! As much of a ‘big picture – consider every angle – person’ as I am!  I rarely ever allow myself to think about the future going my way, about it all actually working out for my good, about actually being successful.

But that is the stuff that dreams are made of!  There is wisdom to be gained there as well.

Dreaming - I should learn to do that next!

Problem identified.

Brainstorming – how do you change your mindset for success, how do you accept the possibility that you might actually be able to get everything that you’ve ever wanted, how do you dream about your future?

Learning to dream!  What a terrifying thought!  What’s that ‘jump’ going to look like?!