Growing Pains

 

I keep seeing a sentiment on social media that I feel like we should discuss. 

It is this idea that, as loving human beings, we are supposed to somehow prevent all those people around us, whom we care about, from ever experiencing any unpleasant emotion or feeling. 

That is a LIE.  That is not our job.  That has never been our job.  It will never be our job. 

That would harm them. That would harm us. 

We are not perfect, nor do we control others; therefore, this is also an impossible task.

It is NOT loving or kind to prevent someone else from experiencing pain or discomfort that they experience as a result of their own actions, decisions, and choices.

I know that many of you grew up in codependent, or otherwise unhealthy environments.  I know that many of your churches and your teachers and your parents and your religious books and lots of things in this culture told you otherwise, but those messages are lies. 

Pain and discomfort are necessary. We have to learn how to sit with our feelings.  How to feel the unpleasant ones, and cry the tears, and yell and scream when we need. Our feelings and emotions are messengers to our bodies in this world.  They are how our souls and our bodies communicate and work together to give us, in our rational/logical mind, a true assessment of our reality and bring us into wholeness - body, mind, and Spirit - all working together as one body.

If you involve yourself in someone else’s life so much that you prevent them from experiencing pain or discomfort, you are getting in the way of their growth.  You are keeping them stuck.  You are an obstacle for them to overcome in reaching THEIR potential, THEIR purpose in this life.

Pain, discomfort, and negative feelings are a necessary part of life.  They are the tools of learning.  They are how we gain information about our environment.  Without discomfort, there can be NO GROWTH.  EVER.

This is one of my all-time favorite graphics: 

I like it because it reminds me that ALL growth is going to FEEL scary!  There is NO avoiding that. ALL growth is going to be uncomfortable.  I mean, if you leave your ‘Comfort Zone’, you should expect 'dis'comfort.   (As my pre-teen self would have said, “uh, duh!”) 

So, anyway, back to social media.  This is Pride month in the U.S.  The concept originated after the Stonewall riots, a series of riots which began on June 28, 1969, when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in NYC.  Pride marches began the following year, and the movement spread to include parades, festivals, and national recognition, celebration, and support of the LGBTQ community throughout the month of June.

Over the course of this past few weeks, I have seen the following meme posted a lot.  Posted it myself actually.   Then, I watched the comments flood in on various sites and pages, criticizing the meme, accusing posters of being juvenile or cruel, etc.  

The basic argument? 

‘Why would you want to make someone feel uncomfortable.  That’s so mean.  Why would you want to hurt people like that?’

Answer:  Because your logic is flawed.  Because what you are describing is actually called “enabling”.  Because feelings need to be felt, not numbed, ignored, or avoided.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is make someone uncomfortable.  (“Friend, I love you, but I am really worried about your drug use.”)

Sometimes people NEED to feel uncomfortable in order to grow! 

Sometimes people believe lies.  About others.  About God.  About the world.  About themselves.

Sometimes the only way for someone to be corrected and to grow is for them to feel a little sting of discomfort as they realize their errors.

Sometimes the truth hurts.  That doesn't make it less true.  That doesn't mean you can ignore those parts.

The avoidance of all pain and discomfort in life breeds sociopathic narcissism.  If someone’s emotional intelligence is lacking all ability to self-reflect and deal with the hurt of their own imperfections, then there is no way for them to ever grow. 

Don’t do that to the people you love. 

Speak truth.  Have uncomfortable conversations.  Make yourself uncomfortable sometimes, and you might just watch yourself soar with growth!

 

~Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

 

Peace!

Lori