I have struggled with anxiety for my entire life.
In the first grade, I remember being shuffled back and forth between the top reading group and the bottom reading group, because I was super smart and received straight A’s on all my written work, but I barely spoke, so the school didn’t know what to do with me.
In the third grade, I began to learn the flute. I played all year and loved it, until I was required to stand up in front of the school at the end of the year for the recitals. Then, I quit.
In elementary school, I was a Brownie for a year. I made new friends in my little troop and loved it, until I was required to go door-to-door and sell cookies. Then, I quit.
Country girl here. I was also in 4-H for a while. I won ribbons at the fair for various endeavors and loved learning about nature and animals and the sleepaway camps, until the end-of-the-year required speeches. Then, I quit.
When I chose a major in college, I chose one, first and foremost, based upon whether it would require me to stand in front of others and speak, and/or if it would require me to stand in front of others and defend a dissertation or a thesis.
Every job I have ever applied for has taken into consideration the avoidance of public speaking. Interestingly, only a few have taken into consideration what I wanted to do or that which makes me happy.
Every decision and every path were in some way directed by, or affected by, this fear.
I have always loved to sing. In the shower. In the car. Alone at home. But, never around others.
Even after Eric and I had been married for years, if I unexpectedly noticed that he had come into a room and was listening to me sing, I would feel panicky.
I was a double major in college for my undergraduate degrees – Psychology & Sociology, with a concentration in Corrections. My Master’s degree is in Human Resource Management.
I studied people. I understand people and human behavior pretty well. Yet, I used to feel terrified to be around them most of the time.
Social anxiety is a mental health condition where you experience intense and ongoing fear of being judged negatively and/or being watched by others. I knew this. I had studied it. I was treated for it for years to no avail.
PTSD and C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) can affect anyone who endured trauma in their lifetime, resulting in social anxiety and/or a number of other issues. We live in a culture that is traumatizing to many - women, minorities, individuals raised by narcissistic parents, individuals raised in high-control religious homes, people raised in poverty or with unmet needs, etc. Most of us have endured trauma at some point in our lifetime. Trauma isn’t always what you think it is.
Trauma-informed therapy and treatments can make an incredible difference in your life. They have mine. Trauma lives in the body, not the mind. Treatment approaches must take that into consideration to most effectively treat it. Traditional treatment approaches of the past are not as effective as trauma-informed therapies for this sort of thing. EMDR, Tapping and other therapies can be far more effective.
8 years ago, I made a decision to go back to therapy so I could pursue singing. I don’t know what finally made me decide to do it – a deep longing… or a growing sense of running out of time, maybe. The thing is – I know music is meant to be shared, and I know that joy is found in connection. And, I knew that I loved music and I wanted more joy and connection.
And so, in my mid-40’s, I decided, if not now, then when?
At that time, I sent Eric a short cell phone recording of me singing one verse of a song as a birthday gift to him, because he had begged me to sing with him for decades. I practiced it for hours and recorded it about 10 times before I finally had one that I could stomach enough to send. By the time I sent it, I was literally sweating, crying, and shaking.
When I first began practicing with a band, sometimes I would disassociate so much that I couldn’t remember the practice the next day.
When I first began performing with a band, I couldn’t do it without a lot of ‘self-medication’. (Good thing alcohol tends to go hand-in-hand with rock concerts, I had Xanax, and medical marijuana is legal.)
When I first started singing, I was always stuck in fight-or-flight on-stage. One of my best friends took a pic of me at a show once and I swear it looked exactly like this:
I suspect it will be a lifelong battle, me vs. my nervous system, but at present, we're getting along. I don’t need extra medication anymore. I no longer obsess about perfection. I remember practices now, though lyrics are still a struggle sometimes. I still have RBF a lot, but once-in-a-while, you might catch me smiling. 😉 That panicky feeling is mostly gone, and now I can sing in public like I can in the shower.
Today, we began advertising my first solo gig with Pocket Cookies. Not only am I standing in front of people singing, I am also writing and singing originals, and for the first time in my life, using my voice fully and without reservation, without fear, and without constraint. Hallelujah!
For many years, I convinced myself that “it’s not worth it” to push through and deal with that fear. That it would never change. That that feeling would never stop taking over my body. That it was too late.
I was
wrong. It’s worth it! It’s never too late to chase your dreams. It’s never too late to tackle your
fears.
Don’t give up! Do the work! You’re worth it!
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