Growing Pains

 

I keep seeing a sentiment on social media that I feel like we should discuss. 

It is this idea that, as loving human beings, we are supposed to somehow prevent all those people around us, whom we care about, from ever experiencing any unpleasant emotion or feeling. 

That is a LIE.  That is not our job.  That has never been our job.  It will never be our job. 

That would harm them. That would harm us. 

We are not perfect, nor do we control others; therefore, this is also an impossible task.

It is NOT loving or kind to prevent someone else from experiencing pain or discomfort that they experience as a result of their own actions, decisions, and choices.

I know that many of you grew up in codependent, or otherwise unhealthy environments.  I know that many of your churches and your teachers and your parents and your religious books and lots of things in this culture told you otherwise, but those messages are lies. 

Pain and discomfort are necessary. We have to learn how to sit with our feelings.  How to feel the unpleasant ones, and cry the tears, and yell and scream when we need. Our feelings and emotions are messengers to our bodies in this world.  They are how our souls and our bodies communicate and work together to give us, in our rational/logical mind, a true assessment of our reality and bring us into wholeness - body, mind, and Spirit - all working together as one body.

If you involve yourself in someone else’s life so much that you prevent them from experiencing pain or discomfort, you are getting in the way of their growth.  You are keeping them stuck.  You are an obstacle for them to overcome in reaching THEIR potential, THEIR purpose in this life.

Pain, discomfort, and negative feelings are a necessary part of life.  They are the tools of learning.  They are how we gain information about our environment.  Without discomfort, there can be NO GROWTH.  EVER.

This is one of my all-time favorite graphics: 

I like it because it reminds me that ALL growth is going to FEEL scary!  There is NO avoiding that. ALL growth is going to be uncomfortable.  I mean, if you leave your ‘Comfort Zone’, you should expect 'dis'comfort.   (As my pre-teen self would have said, “uh, duh!”) 

So, anyway, back to social media.  This is Pride month in the U.S.  The concept originated after the Stonewall riots, a series of riots which began on June 28, 1969, when police raided the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in NYC.  Pride marches began the following year, and the movement spread to include parades, festivals, and national recognition, celebration, and support of the LGBTQ community throughout the month of June.

Over the course of this past few weeks, I have seen the following meme posted a lot.  Posted it myself actually.   Then, I watched the comments flood in on various sites and pages, criticizing the meme, accusing posters of being juvenile or cruel, etc.  

The basic argument? 

‘Why would you want to make someone feel uncomfortable.  That’s so mean.  Why would you want to hurt people like that?’

Answer:  Because your logic is flawed.  Because what you are describing is actually called “enabling”.  Because feelings need to be felt, not numbed, ignored, or avoided.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is make someone uncomfortable.  (“Friend, I love you, but I am really worried about your drug use.”)

Sometimes people NEED to feel uncomfortable in order to grow! 

Sometimes people believe lies.  About others.  About God.  About the world.  About themselves.

Sometimes the only way for someone to be corrected and to grow is for them to feel a little sting of discomfort as they realize their errors.

Sometimes the truth hurts.  That doesn't make it less true.  That doesn't mean you can ignore those parts.

The avoidance of all pain and discomfort in life breeds sociopathic narcissism.  If someone’s emotional intelligence is lacking all ability to self-reflect and deal with the hurt of their own imperfections, then there is no way for them to ever grow. 

Don’t do that to the people you love. 

Speak truth.  Have uncomfortable conversations.  Make yourself uncomfortable sometimes, and you might just watch yourself soar with growth!

 

~Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

 

Peace!

Lori

If Not Now, When?

I have struggled with anxiety for my entire life. 

In the first grade, I remember being shuffled back and forth between the top reading group and the bottom reading group, because I was super smart and received straight A’s on all my written work, but I barely spoke, so the school didn’t know what to do with me.

In the third grade, I began to learn the flute.  I played all year and loved it, until I was required to stand up in front of the school at the end of the year for the recitals.  Then, I quit.

In elementary school, I was a Brownie for a year.  I made new friends in my little troop and loved it, until I was required to go door-to-door and sell cookies.  Then, I quit.

Country girl here.  I was also in 4-H for a while.  I won ribbons at the fair for various endeavors and loved learning about nature and animals and the sleepaway camps, until the end-of-the-year required speeches.  Then, I quit.

When I chose a major in college, I chose one, first and foremost, based upon whether it would require me to stand in front of others and speak, and/or if it would require me to stand in front of others and defend a dissertation or a thesis.

Every job I have ever applied for has taken into consideration the avoidance of public speaking.  Interestingly, only a few have taken into consideration what I wanted to do or that which makes me happy.

Every decision and every path were in some way directed by, or affected by, this fear.

I have always loved to sing.  In the shower.  In the car.  Alone at home. But, never around others.

Even after Eric and I had been married for years, if I unexpectedly noticed that he had come into a room and was listening to me sing, I would feel panicky.

I was a double major in college for my undergraduate degrees – Psychology & Sociology, with a concentration in Corrections.  My Master’s degree is in Human Resource Management.

I studied people. I understand people and human behavior pretty well.  Yet, I used to feel terrified to be around them most of the time.

Social anxiety is a mental health condition where you experience intense and ongoing fear of being judged negatively and/or being watched by others.  I knew this.  I had studied it.  I was treated for it for years to no avail. 

PTSD and C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) can affect anyone who endured trauma in their lifetime, resulting in social anxiety and/or a number of other issues.  We live in a culture that is traumatizing to many - women, minorities, individuals raised by narcissistic parents, individuals raised in high-control religious homes, people raised in poverty or with unmet needs, etc.  Most of us have endured trauma at some point in our lifetime.  Trauma isn’t always what you think it is.

Trauma-informed therapy and treatments can make an incredible difference in your life.  They have mine.  Trauma lives in the body, not the mind.  Treatment approaches must take that into consideration to most effectively treat it. Traditional treatment approaches of the past are not as effective as trauma-informed therapies for this sort of thing.  EMDR, Tapping and other therapies can be far more effective.

8 years ago, I made a decision to go back to therapy so I could pursue singing.  I don’t know what finally made me decide to do it – a deep longing… or a growing sense of running out of time, maybe.  The thing is – I know music is meant to be shared, and I know that joy is found in connection.  And, I knew that I loved music and I wanted more joy and connection.

And so, in my mid-40’s, I decided, if not now, then when? 

 At that time, I sent Eric a short cell phone recording of me singing one verse of a song as a birthday gift to him, because he had begged me to sing with him for decades.  I practiced it for hours and recorded it about 10 times before I finally had one that I could stomach enough to send.  By the time I sent it, I was literally sweating, crying, and shaking.

When I first began practicing with a band, sometimes I would disassociate so much that I couldn’t remember the practice the next day.

When I first began performing with a band, I couldn’t do it without a lot of ‘self-medication’.  (Good thing alcohol tends to go hand-in-hand with rock concerts, I had Xanax, and medical marijuana is legal.)

When I first started singing, I was always stuck in fight-or-flight on-stage. One of my best friends took a pic of me at a show once and I swear it looked exactly like this:

We laughed and she said, “I was so happy to catch that look! That’s my favorite Lori-look!!  That’s your ‘I will cut a bitch’ look.”  (Clearly, I’m more of a fight person than a flight person.)

I suspect it will be a lifelong battle, me vs. my nervous system, but at present, we're getting along.  I don’t need extra medication anymore.  I no longer obsess about perfection. I remember practices now, though lyrics are still a struggle sometimes.  I still have RBF a lot, but once-in-a-while, you might catch me smiling. 😉 That panicky feeling is mostly gone, and now I can sing in public like I can in the shower.

Today, we began advertising my first solo gig with Pocket Cookies.  Not only am I standing in front of people singing, I am also writing and singing originals, and for the first time in my life, using my voice fully and without reservation, without fear, and without constraint.  Hallelujah!

For many years, I convinced myself that “it’s not worth it” to push through and deal with that fear.  That it would never change.  That that feeling would never stop taking over my body. That it was too late.  

I was wrong.  It’s worth it!  It’s never too late to chase your dreams.  It’s never too late to tackle your fears. 

Don’t give up!  Do the work!  You’re worth it! 

Let's Talk -- Over Here, In a Safe Space

I've been feeling a shift in my Spirit lately, encouraging me to start to organize and be more conscious with my writing again.  (Long story to come at some point, but, other than sharing on Facebook occasionally, I've been on a little writing hiatus.)

Over the years, I have used my writing for a variety of different purposes. I have published devotionals for women, maintained a blog to document our international adoption, am writing a book about my deconstruction from evangelical Christianity, write poetry and song lyrics, and have created and maintained numerous organizations' websites, newsletters, and bulletins. 

Regardless of the context in which the writing was being used, however, the underlying purpose for me has always been the same - sharing in order to help others.

I want to share with others.  

I want to share what I have learned.  I want to share what I have experienced.  I want to share what I have seen.  I want to share what I feel.  I want to share what I sense.  I want to share my fears and my hurts and my pain and my love and my joy and my excitement.  And I want you to do the same, because we are all connected.

What affects me, affects you.

What affects you, affects me.

We are all in this world together!

We need each other!

Let's share and be open and learn from one another!  That's the best way.  We have to work together, or we will tear ourselves apart.

Friends, speak your truths.  Lift your voices.  But also, consider other perspectives.  Listen to others' truths.  Hear all the voices.

It is my hope that this space will allow me to share things from my life in a safe way that allows people to choose if they want to receive or not.  

Love must include choice.  It is my hope that my open and honest sharing about my experiences and lessons learned in this life are received as gifts of information, a sharing of life for the purpose of learning and growing together.

These are my Earthly Offerings.  

Accept or reject them as you wish.  

Peace,

Lori